


re: what about us?

by futurefishes



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Internet Friends, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, also a lil gyuhao, angst with happy ending, because i love gyuhao, mentions of others - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 05:18:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14537511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/futurefishes/pseuds/futurefishes
Summary: "Is Jeonghan allowed to feel this happy whenever he sees Jihoon?He’s not… right?"Three years ago, Jeonghan and Jihoon used to be internet best friends - until the day Jeonghan cut all ties with Jihoon.And now, a day in the early spring, they meet again





	re: what about us?

**Author's Note:**

> wohooo, i'm back with another fic!! this time, i'm basing it of an au that my friend shira shared with me!! she's amazing and i'm so thankful!!
> 
> i hope you enjoy!!

It started with a private message on twitter.  

  
Jeonghan had been surprised when he clicked the icon to the direct messages, and even more so when he found out that the sender was neither Joshua, Seungcheol or Seokmin. Instead, what he was met with was someone with the display name 'Jihoon', and with the handle 'woozi96'.

He was not familiar with the name or the handle, and Jeonghan couldn’t explain why, but he felt curious enough to click on the message, a message he otherwise usually would ignore.

**Jihoon: hey! I came across your account randomly, but you have good taste in music. I haven’t come across many that enjoy the same bands as I do.**

Jeonghan stared at the words that were written and he felt nervous and uncertain about what to reply. He didn’t have many followers on twitter, most of them were his friends from school, and he barely used the platform at all except for keeping up with his friend’s activities. It was strange that someone could find his account randomly, and it was even stranger that this person also decided to send him a message.

Despite that though, Jeonghan found himself wanting to reply back. Although it took him a while to think of an answer, a message was soon sent to the person with the handle 'woozi96'.

**Hannie: hello! Well if I have good taste in music, that must mean you do too! And neither have I, they are so good but so underrated.**

He couldn’t help the nervousness that was building in his chest as he awaited the reply; usually, Jeonghan would watch a video or play a game and comeback to check if he had gotten an answer when he felt like it, but now he didn’t even leave the site. Instead, he kept on refreshing the homepage every time he could.

He was about to give up, as he was about to go insane at seeing the dumb pun Seokmin had posted ( _I tried to catch some fog once, but I mist_ ) followed by Wonwoo complimenting him for the nice word play, when the icon for private messages indicated that someone had sent him something.

 Never in his entire twitter career had he clicked on the icon so fast. He was happy to find that it was indeed from the person known as Jihoon.

**Jihoon: Nice to find someone like-minded for once! I’m Jihoon (if you couldn’t tell from the display name) ^^ what about you?**

**Hannie: Couldn’t agree more! My name is Jeonghan, nice to meet you Jihoon!**

The reply was easier to write this time around, and he sent it quite quickly. Jeonghan found himself waiting for the next reply, being more excited than he usually was. And when the Jihoon did answer him after a few minutes, he smiled to himself.

Who knew that talking to some random stranger on twitter could be this exciting?

 

* * * * * *

  
Twitter soon turned to a follow on Instagram, that soon turned into adding each other on snapchat, and following that was a friend request on Facebook.

Jeonghan had never been one to really believe in making friends over internet – he enjoyed being next to his friends, hanging out with them and getting to know them face to face – so he was surprised when he had found that he now had Jihoon on all his social media accounts.

He wouldn’t deny how fun they had when they talked though – although the conversation had started with music; discussing favorite songs, their excitement for the upcoming album or talking about theories for how the music videos were connected, it had soon turned into more everyday topics; how school was going, who their friends were and about their other hobbies. Jeonghan had soon learned that Jihoon wanted to become a singer and a songwriter, and that was the goal that he was working toward. He knew that Jihoon had already written at least a dozen songs, complete with melodies, lyrics and instruments, and Jeonghan had even heard a few of them – and they were good, a lot better than he had expected them to be from a stranger on the internet.

Jeonghan had in turn shared information about his life; about how Joshua and he had surprised Seungcheol on his birthday, about the road-trip he had gone on with Seokmin recently and about his dream to a barista. He had also mentioned how much he truly enjoyed singing, but that he was too shy to go further with it.

“I bet you’re amazing at singing,” Jihoon had replied at that, followed by a smiley face. “I would love to hear you sing sometime!”

Jeonghan had stared at the words on the screen for hours, feeling something grow in his chest. A warm feeling, along with nervousness.

He also soon learned that they both lived quite close to each other – only three cities away, a distance that took an hour by train. It wasn’t too far away, but still not a distance you could go whenever you wanted to.

Jihoon sent him a picture of himself after they had added each other on snapchat, and Jeonghan was honest when he said that Jihoon looked good; his hair was blonde and almost went down to his shoulders. Jihoon told him that he used to tie up his hair in a small ponytail, and that was the hairstyle people were used to see him in. He learned that Jihoon was brown-eyed (after said boy once sent a selfie that was extremely close up to his face) and that his smile was really pretty.

Jeonghan had felt obliged to send a picture of himself to Jihoon as well; because he deserved to know what he looked too. It took too many times for Jeonghan to take a selfie that he liked at least a little, and the one that he had ended up sending showed him smiling, his long brown hair softly laying on his shoulders.

When he got Jihoon’s reply ( _“your hair is even longer than mine! Looks nice_!”) Jeonghan had smiled, before sighing happily.

He never knew a friendship that started over a site like twitter could blossom so beautifully like this.

 

* * * * * *

  
“Oh, Jeonghan? Can you see me?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan replied as he held his phone in front of him, watching as the owner of the voice came into view on his screen. “Can you see me?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon answered, and he looked almost sheepish. “This is awkward.”

“It is,” Jeonghan agreed, and put the arm of his hoodie in front of his mouth, trying to hide his big smile. “But it’s nice to see you, even if it’s through a screen.”

“Yeah, it’s nice to see you too,” Jihoon said with a small smile, and even though the smile was pretty though the his phone screen, Jeonghan was quite sure that the pixels didn’t do it the real beauty justice.

They fell into an awkward silence, neither of them knowing what to say. They just looked at each other and took the other in. This was the first time they had seen each other moving, and not just in a picture.

“Your hair really is long,” Jihoon said, and Jeonghan laughed at the awe that was written all over the younger boy’s face.

“So is yours,” Jeonghan replied, and it wasn’t a lie – Jihoon’s blonde hair was currently tied up in his usual ponytail, the one that would make an appearance on all the images of himself that Jihoon sent him.

“It’s not that long,” Jihoon argues, making Jeonghan laugh.

“Sure, it’s not.” Jeonghan replied sarcastically, although what Jihoon was saying was true. His hair was shorter than Jeonghan’s was by quite a bit.

“You know I’m right,” Jihoon teased, his tone playful. Jeonghan laughs again.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to admit it.” Jihoon just scoffed at his reply, but Jeonghan could tell that he’s trying hard to hide the smile that’s starting to grow on his lips.

“So, what are you doing?” Jeonghan asked instead, to keep their awkward conversation going.

“Video-calling you,” Jihoon answered, a sheepish look on his face.

It was Jeonghan’s turn to chuckle. “I meant except for that, dummy!”

“Don’t call me dummy,” Jihoon defended, although the smile on his face showed that he knew Jeonghan was just teasing. “But anyway, I’m not doing much really. I basically just got home from school.”

“Nice, me too,” Jeonghan replied, his mind blank of what else to say.

“Cool,” Jihoon comments, and before long they’re back in the awkward silence again. It was so weird when Jeonghan thought about it – they could talk almost none-stop through text, but now it’s like they don’t know how to speak at all.

He finds himself using the silence to really look at Jihoon for the first time, to really take him in; it felt weird to know that the person he had been talking to for a month now was the one on his phone screen. They didn’t know each other at all a month ago, but now they’re talking to each other like this, just like Jeonghan used to do with Joshua sometimes.

It feels  _surreal._

Jihoon seems to think the same thing, because he soon breaks the silence. “It’s weird to be talking with you like this. Not in a bad way but just in a… ‘I can’t believe we know each other so well now’-type of way.”

The description makes Jeonghan chuckle. “I know exactly what you mean. But I’m so happy about it.”

Jeonghan twirls a lock of his brown hair around his finger, as he sees Jihoon’s smile grow through his phone screen.

“Me too, Jeonghan.”

 

* * * * * *

 

Jeonghan had no idea when it began. These feelings he felt towards Jihoon.

One day it just hit him; when he was almost sprinting home from school, because Jihoon had promised him that they would skype again today. Jeonghan was one that didn’t like running  _(“what a waste,” Seungcheol had said one day, because despite Jeonghan disliking running, he sure was good at it),_  but now he found himself running as fast as his legs could take him.

His walk home, that usually would take twenty minutes took less than ten minutes to sprint, and when he finally gets inside of his house, his lungs hurt, his throat is dry, and he has the taste of iron in his mouth.

But when Jihoon, five minutes later, picks up the video-call, Jeonghan thinks that it was all worth it.

Because he got to see Jihoon’s smile even earlier. Got to hear his laugh echo through out his room.

They didn’t even talk about big things – mostly it was just mundane subjects, like how their day had went, what classes they had in school today, what plans they had for the week and what they were thinking about.

But Jeonghan found these conversations to be some of the most interesting and enjoyable ones he had. It was much more interesting than whatever he used to talk about in school with his friends anyway.

Even the silence in between them had grown to be comfortable and warm; it didn’t feel wrong sitting in silence for a while – instead it felt good, to be able to enjoy the other’s presence, even if they had nothing to say. But Jeonghan soon realized that he craved more; he wanted to feel Jihoon’s warmth against him, wanted to have him close to him; just sitting next to each other, skin touching skin, would be enough.

He wanted to feel that Jihoon was real. That he wasn’t just a dream.

And as Jihoon laughs at something dumb Jeonghan said, Jeonghan himself just stares at him fondly, feeling his chest grow tight again.

Jeonghan was quite young still, and he wasn’t sure if he had experienced love before this. But he swore, that if what he felt for Jihoon wasn’t love, then he didn’t know what was.

 

* * * * * *

 

“I couldn’t believe that he had the nerve to say that,” Jihoon rambled on, and Jeonghan watched as he let all of his feelings out. “And in front of everyone as well… Damn, I’m furious!”

“It’s okay, Jihonnie,” Jeonghan tried to calm him down. “Everyone has bad days.”

“Yeah… But I’m probably no fun to talk to when all I do is complain.”

“Sure you are. You would be interesting to talk to even if you were asleep and snoring.” Jeonghan said, smiling happily when he managed to make Jihoon laugh.

“Likewise. Even though you snore really loudly,” Jihoon teased, and Jeonghan chuckled with him.

“I fell asleep on the phone with you  _one time_ , and you think you can decide I’m a loud sleeper from that?” Jeonghan tried to defend himself, his voice mockingly hurt.

“Believe me, yes, yes I can,” Jihoon replied plainly, and Jeonghan laughed. Jihoon was smiling now, for the first time since their video-call had begun, and perhaps for the first time this entire day, and just seeing Jihoon happy was enough to make Jeonghan calm.

“Thank you for trying to calm me down, Jeonghannie,” Jihoon said suddenly, gratitude evident in his voice. Jeonghan loved the nickname Jihoon used whenever he said his name, and he felt the butterflies flutter in his stomach.

“No problem at all. I just want to see you happy,” Jeonghan says, and he feels his eyes widen when he realizes that he  _might_  have been too honest with his feelings.

But Jihoon doesn’t even look surprised, instead the smile on his face soften. “Likewise. I’m so glad I have you, Hannie,” the words make Jeonghan feel like he’s on cloud nine, like he’s soaring. “I’ve never been this honest with someone before.”

“Neither have I,” Jeonghan says, and it’s true; he’s talked about more things with Jihoon that he’s even talked about with Seungcheol or Joshua. It’s weird in a way, how Jihoon makes him feel so safe that he can say whatever is on his mind.

_(Well, except for being in love with him, of course)._

But Jeonghan doesn’t know if it’s just his imagination, or if Jihoon is showing signs of liking him as well; he was quite sure that Jihoon’s cheeks were pink, and he did look flustered.

“Thank you, Jeonghannie. For being you.” Jihoon says, eyes not meeting Jeonghan’s through his front camera.

Yep – Jihoon’s cheeks are definitely pink.

“No, Jihoon,” Jeonghan says, and tries not to confess to the boy in front of him there and then. “Thank you.”

  
* * * * * *

 

It’s during one of their usual skype calls that the question gets brought up.

“It would be cool to meet up sometime,” Jihoon had said after a moment of silence. Jeonghan, who had his eyes closed and was resting, opened them once he heard Jihoon speak up.

“It would,” Jeonghan agreed, and bought his phone  closer in front of his face so that Jihoon could see him clearer. He could feel his cheeks get warm as he thought about meeting Jihoon in person – seeing his smile up close, walking on the sidewalk with shoulders touching, no pixels that would ruin the beauty that was Jihoon.

Jeonghan prayed that Jihoon didn’t notice the pink that he knew was now dusting his cheeks.

“Then why don’t we?” Jihoon proposes as he stares at Jeonghan through the camera. “We only live a few cities away from each other, so it shouldn’t be all too difficult.”

Jeonghan blinks, before he feels the smile grow on his face. He sits up straight in his chair. “Are you serious? Should we meet up?”

“Yeah!” Jihoon replies, without hesitating. “If you want to, that is.”

“Of course,” Jeonghan replies, and he loves how excited Jihoon looks at his answer ( _Maybe he wants to meet me as much as I want to meet him? Maybe for the same reason as well?)._

“Great! What about next week?”

“What day?” Jeonghan asks, trying to keep calm. But it’s hard when it feels like he’s going to explode from excitement.

“Hm,” Jihoon voices, in deep thought. Jeonghan has noticed that he has a habit of biting his lips whenever he’s focused on something, and this time is no different. “What about next Friday?”

“Sounds like a plan!” Jeonghan says, and his wide smile turns into a grin.

They spend the rest of the skype call making plans about their meeting, and for each word that they speak Jeonghan feel the butterflies in his stomach multiply.

He is  _really_  going to meet Jihoon.

They talk for hours, before Jihoon says that he needs to go to bed; night has fallen outside of Jeonghan’s window without him noticing, and Jihoon explains that he needs to be up early tomorrow. After saying their goodbyes, the call ends and Jeonghan is left all alone, and as he locks his phone he can see his happy reflection on the black screen staring back at him.

It felt like he was apart of one of those shoujo animes that he knew Joshua watched, when he fell on the bed and clutched his phone to his chest, his smile growing wide.

He was going to meet Jihoon. The boy that he had been crushing on for a while now. He was going to be able to talk with him, face to face.

Jeonghan sighs happily – he is certain that this relationship he had with Jihoon would last a lifetime.

 

* * * * * *

 

But Jeonghan was wrong – because it didn’t. One day it all fell apart.

And the worst part of it all?

It was all his fault.

It was the day before they were supposed to meet, and everything was going well until they started talking over on twitter like they used to.

**Hannie: I know this really nice coffee place, maybe we can go there?**

**Jihoon: Sounds like a plan!!**

Jeonghan smiled at the message he got, his heart fluttering in his chest. He really couldn’t believe that he was actually meeting Jihoon, the boy he was crushing on, the boy that he couldn’t stop thinking about, tomorrow.

His phone vibrated, and Jeonghan was happy to find that Jihoon had sent him a picture; it was a picture of Jihoon in all his glory, hair up in his usual small ponytail and a wide grin on his lips, as he held a phone case with the logo of one of their shared favorite bands in his hand.

**Jihoon: Look what I got yesterday! Jealous?**

**Hannie: Whoa where did you get that? And yes, I sure am!**

It had been a simple question, one that Jeonghan hadn’t thought about as he sent it to his friend. He had been genuinely curious from where he could find a similar one – until Jihoon replied, and all of the interest in the plastic case was blown away.

**Jihoon: I got it from my boyfriend yesterday, it’s really good quality!! I can show you tomorrow!**

Jeonghan stared at the screen in disbelief, in denial of what he read; boyfriend? Jihoon had a boyfriend? Since when?

He knew that Jihoon could see that he had read the message, but he didn’t care, as he stared down at his phone screen. It felt like his heart was being ripped into tiny little pieces.

And then the heartbreak got mixed with an extreme feeling of shame.

He hadn’t asked Jihoon if he had someone before he fell in love with him. He hadn’t asked Jihoon if he had a partner before he got convinced that Jihoon liked him back as well. He hadn’t asked Jihoon at all, and now he felt like the biggest idiot in the world.

Before he knew what was happening, a tear fell onto his phone screen, that had now dimmed. Jeonghan was crying, but if it was out of heartbreak or about how much like a jerk he felt, he didn’t know.

Maybe it was both.

The tears wouldn’t stop streaming down his cheeks, and before he knew it he was a sobbing mess.  _Fuck_ ,  _Jeonghan, how pathetic can you be? Liking someone that was already taken._

Trying his best to come off normally, even though everything hurts, he finally sends the reply. The small checks turn blue the moment he hits send, showing that Jihoon had been waiting for the next message.

**Hannie: sure! You have a boyfriend?**

As the three dots appear, indicating that Jihoon currently typing, Jeonghan wipes away the tears with the back of his hand, trying to calm himself down. His phone vibrates once more.

**Jihoon: ah I haven’t told you? i do have a boyfriend and we’ve been together for over a year now... we’re actually planning to move in together after we graduate, so you should come visit us when we do!**

Over a year? That was longer than he and Jihoon had known each other.

Suddenly Jeonghan felt ill. The guilt inside of him was growing stronger by each second as he stared at the message; Jihoon had been taken all this time. Jihoon had been in love with someone else the entire time they have known each other.

Jihoon had only seen him as a friend, this entire time. While Jeonghan had seen him – and what they had together – as something more.

Jeonghan felt like he was the worst friend ever.

He typed out another message, and he hated that it was full of lies ( _he’s the worst but he doesn’t feel happy and he doesn’t want to visit them, and he doesn’t have any homework to do. He just needs to get the conversation to stop, get all these feelings to stop)_.

**Hannie: no you haven’t!! but congrats, I’m happy for you! and I definitely want to do that**

**Hannie: I have some homework I need to do now, so I’m gonna log off. Bye**

**Jihoon: thank you! oh, you do? Good luck with your homework and see you tomorrow!**

After reading Jihoon’s reply, he throws his phone down on his bed, before curling into himself. He doesn’t try to stop the tears that fall now, instead he lets the sadness and guilt inside of him take over.

 

* * * * * *

 

After crying until there were no more tears left, Jeonghan concludes that he can’t do this anymore.

He can’t get over Jihoon if he sees him everywhere, if they stay in touch.

He thinks about Jihoon when he proceeds to open up twitter. He thinks about how much he really likes him, about his nice voice, his laugh that sounds like music in his ears, how talented he is when singing and about how his smile is blinding.

He also thinks about how he never will get to see it in person now.

But as he touches the “block” button on Jihoon’s profile on twitter, Instagram, snapchat and Facebook, he tries to convince himself that it’s for the best.

_You did the right thing_.

He repeats it in his head like a mantra, until eventually, he might start to believe it.

 

* * * * * *

 

After that, Jeonghan didn’t hear anything from Jihoon – he didn’t go to their destined meet-up spot the day afterwards and he doesn’t try to contact him. Before he knows it, the days turn into weeks and months.

Three years passed by quickly, and Jeonghan watched as the seasons changed. He graduated, moved into his own apartment, cut his hair and got a job as a barista at a local café, only a few minutes’ walk-distance away from his home. He really did enjoy his work there – not only had he been dreaming of working in a café since he was very young, but he also worked with some nice people; Jun, who was a year younger than him but had worked here for longer, was always fun to talk to. The same goes for Mingyu, the youngest in the trio; even though their first meeting had consisted of Mingyu accidentally spilling a mug of hot coffee on him, Jeonghan couldn’t help but enjoy hanging out with the guy.

His life had really undergone a change since he last spoke to Jihoon, but the fact remains that Jeonghan still thought about him more than he wanted to admit; he had thought that, when he cut all ties, these feelings and thoughts would disappear eventually. But despite years passing, he still felt warmth in his chest whenever his mind would wander to Jihoon.

He tried to stop himself whenever he did though, because the shame was also something that never went away; the shame of being in love with someone that was already taken, the shame of cutting of the ties because of the same love. The shame of hurting someone because of his own greed was something that he had accepted that he would have to live with for the rest of his life.

Jeonghan had also learned to accept the fact that he wouldn’t get to meet Jihoon face to face, and that those bittersweet words were to be their last conversation.

Which is why he was surprised to find that the next person in line was no one else but Jihoon himself.

Before he could stop himself, the familiar warmth spread throughout his body – because Jihoon is  _here_ , right in front of him, in the flesh. He looks a lot like he did back then; except that his hair is now black and shorter, no longer enough to tie into the ponytail that Jeonghan associated with him. His facial features; like the eyes that would turn into crescents whenever he smiled or laughed loudly, like Jeonghan had managed to get him to do more than once  _(the sight never left his mind)_ , looked a bit more mature, but it was still the same warm brown eyes that had been looking at him through the screen of his phone when they skyped with each other three springs ago.

“Welcome!” Jeonghan managed to croak out, despite the air in his lungs getting knocked out from the surprise. He put on his best smile, but he could feel that it didn’t reach his eyes. “What would you like today?”

Jeonghan watched as Jihoon stared at him, and he felt himself go slightly red. His cheeks were getting warmer by each second that Jihoon’s eyes spent going over his figure, and Jeonghan wanted to go through the floor.

He wondered if Jihoon recognized him, if he remembered how his face looked, like Jeonghan remembered his. If he would notice that it was him, even though his hair didn’t go past his shoulders anymore.

“A large black, please.” Jihoon said after a while, and Jeonghan couldn’t help but notice that his voice was slightly lower than it had been those three years ago. But he was happy to find that it was still as soft.

Grabbing a pen and a notepad, he wrote down Jihoon’s coffee order on the yellow paper, that he would soon send to Mingyu, who was the one currently on coffee duty. “Anything else?”

“No,” Jihoon replied simply, and Jeonghan nodded. He pressed the order into the cash register, and Jihoon payed for his beverage without any of them saying a word.

“What’s your name?” Jeonghan asked, more out of habit than anything, the pen ready against the paper of the notepad.

“You know my name,” Jihoon answered, and Jeonghan left himself choke on air.

He did recognize him.

“Er, right,” Coughing into his fist, Jeonghan tried to cover up his embarrassment, as he wrote down Jihoon on the notepad. “Your drink will be ready soon, Jihoon.”

“Thanks,” Jihoon said, and walked to one of the tables close to the windows. Jeonghan watched him as he walked over there, something akin to disappointment and relief growing in his chest; one part of Jeonghan was happy that the conversation was over, because that means that he doesn’t have to explain himself, but the other one wanted desperately to be close to him, to talk to him, to tell him how much he misses him.

_(But then Jeonghan remembers: Jihoon has a boyfriend. Jihoon is taken. And the familiar feeling of his heart sinking in his chest is somewhat comforting to him now)._

As Jeonghan helps the other customers that are ready to order, he can’t help but throw glances at Jihoon. He seems to restlessly wait for his name to be called, as he stares out onto the street, and watches as people walk by.

Jeonghan finds himself thinking about how Jihoon’s side-profile is very pretty, before cursing under his breath.

_Don’t. Think. About. Him._

_(You will never deserve him)_

Soon enough, Mingyu is done with Jihoon’s simple order. Jeonghan takes the warm mug into his hands, before calling for Jihoon over the café.

Expecting Jihoon to grab his mug and go back to his table quickly, Jeonghan is once again surprised when he finds that Jihoon waits for him to take care of the customer in front of him, despite now holding the warm mug in his hands. The moment the customer’s leave and Jeonghan has thanked them, Jihoon chips in.

“Jeonghan,” He says slowly, and it’s the first time in three years Jeonghan has heard him say his name and his heart  _hurts_. “When’s your next break?”

“Uh,” Jeonghan mumbles stupidly, caught of guard by the question. He throws a quick-glance at the clock hanging on the wall behind him. “In 45 minutes.”

“Okay. Come by my table by then.” Jihoon answers, and he doesn’t wait for Jeonghan to reply, before he starts to make his way back to this table.

Jeonghan on the other hand, is left frozen in front of the cash register, staring at Jihoon’s back as he walks toward his seat.

* * * * * *

When even Mingyu himself calls someone else clumsy, you know you’ve fucked up real time.

The 45 minutes until his next break is a mess, because Jeonghan himself is a  _mess._  His mind is spinning and he’s so nervous it feels like he’s going to throw up. He’s usually very good at his job, if he gets to say so himself, but in the span of 45 minutes he manages to mess up two orders, space out multiple times while the customer is talking and trips over his own feet more than once.

It’s not easy to focus when your mind is on something else, or more like on someone, more precisely the young man sitting near the window.

It’s not easy to focus when you’re trying to think about the best way to explain yourself, why you left him, without telling the whole truth.

It’s not easy to focus when the person you’re in love with wants to talk with you, and despite that’s everything that you want and ache for, you know that you don’t deserve to be in the same space as him.

Sooner than Jeonghan wants, because he’s  _not ready_  for this, 45 minutes has passed, and Jun pats him on the back when he moves over to take Jeonghan’s spot at the cash register. “Try to calm down, buddy.”

Jeonghan just nods, his throat dry and his mind empty of words to say. He walks out from behind the counter and toward Jihoon, that’s still sitting next to the window. It must have been a long time since he finished his drink, and Jeonghan, frankly, doesn’t understand why Jihoon wants to meet him.

_(Why would Jihoon want to meet someone awful like him, anyway?)_

“Hey,” Jeonghan says as he stops in front of the table. Jihoon’s attention travels from the couple outside the window, holding hands, over to Jeonghan’s figure.

“Hi,” he says simply, and sends a smile his way. It’s a small smile, almost a replica of the ones he used to send his way when they were skyping with each other, and Jeonghan feels himself melt.

He really is far too gone.

Jeonghan shuffles over to the seat on the opposite side of Jihoon and sits down. It’s awkward, he’s nervous, but still somehow in awe; this is the first time he’s really taking time to look at Jihoon in person, the first time he’s ever been this close to him. It’s weird.

“How are you? It’s been a while, so I figured we should do some catching up,” Jihoon says, and he seems genuinely curious.

_(Why does Jihoon care about someone as awful as him?)_

“I’m good,” Jeonghan says, which is quite far from the truth; the butterflies in his stomach haven’t calmed down, his mind is still going haywire and the guilt that he’s learned to live with is now eating him up from the inside. “What about you?”

“I’m well too,” Jihoon replies, and he absentmindedly plays with the now empty mug in front of him. “Felt like coffee after work, but I wasn’t expecting to meet you here. It surprised me.”

“Me too. Seeing you, I mean,” Jeonghan corrects himself. “You don’t live here, do you?”

“Nah, I don’t. l still live three cities away. But I work here.”

“What do you work with?” Jeonghan couldn’t help but be curious, because he had indeed wondered how everything went after that one fateful day. If he reached his dreams of being a songwriter.

“I got signed to a record label, as a songwriter and composer,” Jihoon answers, and he smiles wide; this time it reaches his eyes. “I’m still quite new there, but I do enjoy it.”

“That’s- That’s amazing!” Jeonghan exclaimed, and he truly felt happy for the young man sitting in front of him  _(even though Jihoon deserves better than the praise from him)_  – Jihoon had reached his dream, his dream of making his music known to the world.

“I know,” Jihoon replies, and Jeonghan can truly see happiness shine in his brown eyes. “I still can’t believe I made it there. But I did. And this is only the beginning.”

“I’m happy for you,” Jeonghan says, and he means it.

Jihoon sends him a loop-sided smile. “Thanks.”

Silence falls around them, and Jeonghan can hear Jun’s voice in the background, thanking another customer. His eyes fall on the mug that Jihoon’s still playing with, and he can see Mingyu’s sloppy handwriting spell out Jihoon’s name in black ink.

“So, how’s life going otherwise?” Jeonghan finds himself asking, because his curious about Jihoon (he has been wondering for three years after all). But before he can stop himself, he continues with a more specific question. “Have you moved in with your boyfriend yet?”

“Oh,” Jihoon says slowly, his smile dropping a little at the question. “He broke up with me last year.”

“Oh shit,” Jeonghan curses. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, really,” Jihoon assures him calmly. “I knew he was getting tired of me. We were growing apart after all.”

“That’s too bad,” Jeonghan replies, but he feels like the biggest jerk walking this earth; partly because of the question and partly because of the small light of hope that sparked inside of him.

“Yeah.” Jihoon agrees, before he puts on a smile again. “What about you? Do you have a partner?”

“No,” Jeonghan says.  _I’ve been too busy in love with you and feeling like a fool._  “I’m alone.”

“Ah, but that can be nice too,” Jihoon says, probably trying to cheer him up. “Sometimes you need time to find yourself.”

Before Jeonghan can reply, he can hear Jun’s voice call for him over the small café. “Jeonghan, your break’s over! Please take over the cash register!”

“I’m right on it!” Jeonghan replies, and Jun sends him a thumb up and a smile.

As Jeonghan is about to stand up from his seat, Jihoon’s voice stops him. “Before you leave, can we change numbers? It would be nice to keep in touch.”

Jeonghan’s heart skips a beat and for a while, he wonders if he’s dreaming. He’s about to tell him no, because he doesn’t deserve Jihoon, but he finds himself nodding anyway.

Using a pen that he was in his pocket, Jeonghan writes his number on the back of Jihoon’s receipt. The younger of the two watches as Jeonghan writes, a small silence between them until Jeonghan puts the pen back in his pocket.

“Thanks. It was nice seeing you again. I’ll see you around?” Jihoon says, his voice steady and clear.

“Sure,” Jeonghan says, before he walks back over to behind the counter. Jun gives him confused look as he comes up to him.

“Who was that?” Jun asks quietly, his voice full off curiousness.

“An old friend,” Jeonghan says, and his heart hurts a bit as the words spill out of his mouth.  _(Jeonghan doesn’t deserve to call Jihoon a friend)_

“Nice, tell me all about it sometime? I need to get back to baking now, the pastries won’t bake themselves.” Jun says with a smile before he goes back into the backroom, and Jeonghan is once again left alone at the cash register.

Another customer enters the door to the café, but before they make their way up to the cashier, Jeonghan sends a quick glance to the table near the window.

Jihoon’s not there anymore. He must have left when Jeonghan was talking with Jun.

As the customers finally decides what to order, Jeonghan puts on his best smile.

It all felt like a dream.

 

* * * * * *

He dreams about Jihoon, and cries when he wakes up.

Don’t dream about things that won’t happen, idiot.

* * * * * *

 

Jeonghan was convinced that it had been a dream for a few days, that he hadn’t met Jihoon.

_(Because he hurt Lee Jihoon. Why would Jihoon want to spend time with him?)_

Until he, one day when he wakes up, finds a new message from an unknown number. And even though his room is dark and the light on the screen is way too bright, Jeonghan catches the sender’s name through squinted eyes.

A few hours later, Jeonghan is on his way to the park in the middle of the town, where Jihoon had asked him to meet up. Jihoon tells him to not be late, so he leaves earlier than needed.

Jeonghan is surprised to find Jihoon is already there when he arrives.

 He sits on a park-bench, one of the few that still were unoccupied on this fine spring day, scrolling through his phone. When Jeonghan comes closer to him though, he looks up.   
  
“Hey,” Jihoon says, and sends a small smile Jeonghan’s way  _(and it reminds Jeonghan of the first time they skyped, the time when Jeonghan had been sure that the pixels in the phone screen didn’t make up for the beauty)._

 Now he knows that they didn’t. Because Jihoon’s smile was beautiful.

 “Hi,” Jeonghan replies, and sends his best warm smile Jihoon’s way. “Did you wait long?”

 “Not really.” Jihoon shrugs and locks his phone screen with a quick press on the button. He puts it in the back pocket of his jeans. 

“That’s good,” Jeonghan replies and Jihoon hums in reply. An awkward silence falls over them, the same silence that they had grown past all those years ago, but now they’re back on step one.

_All because of me._

“Why did you want to meet me?” Jeonghan asks to break the awkward silence around them. The wind is cold, but soft against Jeonghan’s skin, and he shivers. Even though spring has arrived, they’ll have to wait a little longer for the warmth to get here.

“I wanted to hang out with you,” Jihoon explained and shrugged, as if it was the most simple thing in the world  _(as if they_   _never lost touch, as if they still were as tight as they used to)._

“Okay,” Jeonghan replies simply. “What do you want to do?”

“Maybe we could go on a walk? I don’t know this city very well, but it’s time that I start to find my way around here,” Jihoon explains and stands up from the wooden bench. “Since I work here now after all.”

“Sure,” Jeonghan says, and they start to follow the pathway through the park, Jeonghan in the lead.

The walk is quiet, and the strange atmosphere that was around them at the café is back. It’s very awkward to walk in silence like this, but Jeonghan doesn’t know what to say.

He wonders why Jihoon doesn’t mention anything about Jeonghan cutting his ties with him – Jeonghan knows that he remembers it, because he does remember him after all, but he hasn’t bought the subject up.

And Jeonghan is to afraid to do so.

_(It would be good if Jihoon didn’t bring it up at all; it would be easier for him. He wouldn’t have to explain that he left him because of his selfish reasons. But that would mean that they would stay like this, a mess off awkward and strange interactions, tip-toeing around each other to not hurt the other, forever)_

They walk past a playground, that’s full of kids playing about, before they arrive at a river. The sun that is shining warmly in the sky is reflected on the blue water, and the view is quite stunning.

“Let’s go to the water,” Jihoon says suddenly, and Jeonghan nods and follows Jihoon, as he takes the lead. When they are at the edge of the river, Jihoon stops and sits down on to the grey asphalt under them, and Jeonghan does the same.

Jeonghan watches as Jihoon takes off his shoes and socks, before dipping his toes into the sparkling surface.

He can see how Jihoon shivers. “Cold.”

“It is?” Jeonghan asks, just so that they can keep conversation going. Jihoon nods.

“Yeah.”

They fall into silence again, and Jeonghan watches are Jihoon moves his feet back and forth under the water; it seems like he’s gotten used to the river’s coolness by now. Jihoon looks at the people walking on the other side of the river, watches as couples walk past, hand in hand. Jeonghan follows his gaze, and watches the happy couple intently.

_(he hates admitting it, but a part of him wants that to be him and Jihoon; holding hands, being happy. But he knows that the chance of that is near zero)._

“Can I show you something?” Jihoon asks out of nowhere, getting Jeonghan out of his haze. Jeonghan felt how he tensed up at the question.

Is it now that he’s going to ask him why he did the thing he did?

“Sure,” Jeonghan answers, with his breath sutck in his throat. He hopes that Jihoon doesn’t hear how nervous he is.

Jihoon though, just stares at him blankly. Before his lips form a grin.

Before he can react, Jeonghan gets splashed with cold water in his face.

The older of the two gets surprised at the sudden coldness that hits him straight in the face, and he gasps. Jihoon is laughing so hard Jeonghan is worried he’s going to fall down into the water.

“What was that for?” Jeonghan asks as he wipes away all the water away from his face. Jihoon tries to calm down, but he takes another look at Jeonghan and starts laughing again.

“I- I wanted,” Jihoon tries, but the laughter that bubbles out of his throat is too much and is in the way of all the words. He takes a deep breath and tries again. “I wanted to show you how cold the water was.”

Jeonghan just stares as Jihoon falls back into laughter again, his mind blank.

What he does register though, is the sound of Jihoon’s laughter. It’s been so long since he last heard it, and it’s still such an addictive sound. It makes him happy and he could listen to it all day, if he could.

But he doesn’t; instead, he puts his hand down into the cold water and throw a hand full of water into Jihoon’s face, making him freeze in the middle of his giggles.

Jeonghan thinks that he must have done a mistake at first, because Jihoon doesn’t react immediately, but when he does, Jeonghan know that he doesn’t have to worry.

The smug smile tells him that Jihoon has something planned. And when Jihoon quickly grabs his shoes, and starts chasing Jeonghan, he can’t help but laugh out loud too.

“Oh, you’re so getting it now,” Jihoon exclaims as he runs after the older one. Both of their laughter are echoing around the park.

Jeonghan is thankful that Jihoon managed to make things less awkward, even if it meant getting splashed in the face with cool water; because it’s been so long since he felt this happy and carefree.

And as Jeonghan does a sharp turn to keep Jihoon that’s chasing after him a safe distance away, he catches himself thinking that he doesn’t want this to end.

 

* * * * * *

_But…_

_Does he even deserve to be around Jihoon like this?_

* * * * * *

 

The next time he sees Jihoon, he’s working again.

This time, Jeonghan’s the one making the coffee, and Mingyu is the one currently at the cash register.

“Mingyu,” Jun says as he appears from the backroom, his apron and one of his cheek white with flour from the pastries that currently were in the oven. “If you please could stop flirting with your crush and take care of the remaining customers, that would be nice.”

Jeonghan tried to hold back his laughter as he watched Mingyu turn into a truly nice shade of red; he had no idea that someone’s face could turn into such a vibrant shade. The crush in question – a slim, tall boy that was a frequent visitor to the café, who’s name Jeonghan had learned was Minghao – giggled at Mingyu, even though his cheeks were slightly pinker than usual as well.  

Minghao took his coffee and waved goodbye to the beet-red Mingyu before he turned around and walked out of the store.

Jeonghan was about to turn his attention back to the coffee again, until he saw someone familiar standing in front of Mingyu, ready to order.

Jihoon looked just as good as he did all the other days. As Jihoon ordered the same drink as last time – a tall black – Jeonghan noticed that he was carrying a notebook under his arm.

The younger seems to notice that Jeonghan’s staring at him, as he looks up and catches Jeonghan’s eyes. The moment their eyes meet, Jeonghan feels his heart miss a beat, before he turns around to focus on the coffee again.

He curses under his breath, because he wasn’t supposed to be obvious at all. His cheeks suddenly feel warmer, and he keeps repeating the word stop in his head, trying to keep his feelings under control.

_(He knows he doesn’t have a chance with Jihoon anyway)_.

“Jeonghan,” Mingyu says and pokes Jeonghan’s shoulder. “Your friend told me to tell you to come to his table during your next break.”

Jeonghan blinks.  _(He really wants me there?)_ “Okay.”

Mingyu looks at him with hesitating eyes, and Jeonghan watches as his gaze moves between him and Jihoon a couple of times. “Who is he?”

“An acquittance,” Jeonghan mumbles, trying to ignore how much the word hurt to say.

_(He knew that he couldn’t call him a friend, because he didn’t deserve Jihoon’s friendship. But the fact that they used to be so close, and now the only word that could accurately describe their relationship was acquittances._

_He feels bad again.)_

Something in the way Mingyu looks at him tells Jeonghan that he doesn’t quite believe him, and at first it looks like he’s going to speak his mind. But eventually he lets it go, says “okay”, and leaves to take care of the customers that just entered the shop.

Jeonghan throws a glance at the clock, and sighs.

25 minutes to go before break

* * * * * *

_Is Jeonghan allowed to feel this happy whenever he sees Jihoon?_

_He’s not… right?_

* * * * * *

 

Jeonghan must say he’s impressed with himself; he’s not a mess this time around.

In fact, everything works smoothly, and soon enough it’s time for his break. Jun comes out to take over the coffee making while he’s on his fifteen-minute break, and Jeonghan sends him a small smile before he hangs off his apron and goes to the table closest to the window.

As he comes closer to the table, he can see that Jihoon is deep in thought, as the pen he’s holding is moving on the paper of the notebook – and Jeonghan almost laughs.

Jihoon still bites his lip when he’s focusing on something.

How cute.

“What are you doing?” Jeonghan asks, when he comes to a stop in front of the table, and he throws a curious look at the notebook that Jihoon was currently writing in.

“Writing a song,” Jihoon answers without his gaze leaving the paper in front of him. “Or well…  _trying_  to.”

Jeonghan’s eyebrow raised as he sits down on the free chair. “It’s not going well?”

“Not really,” Jihoon says and looks up at Jeonghan. He will never get used to the beautiful brown color that Jihoon’s eyes are. “How would you describe being in love?”

A beat passes. “What?”

“I’m trying to write a love song,” Jihoon explains, and he absentmindedly doodle a tree in the upper right corner of the paper as he talks. “So, I was wondering, what you’d say that romantic love is?”

“Oh,” Jeonghan mumbles, dumbfounded at first. When Jeonghan thinks of love, he thinks of Jihoon ( _no matter how much he tries to deny it, that’s the truth_ ). And when he thinks of Jihoon, he feels a lot of emotions; like the warmth that spreads through him whenever he caught sight of Jihoon, the butterflies that gather in his stomach whenever they talk, but also the guilt that’s always present. “Love is both good and bad.”

“Hm,” Jihoon looks at him, his gaze intense. “Would you like to elaborate?”

“I can try,” Jeonghan says, as one of his hands go through his hair. He sees Jihoon’s eyes follow the action. “Everyone wants love, that’s just how it is. Love really is beautiful and pure. It’s wanting to be close to someone and never letting go. It’s wanting to see their smile all the time and missing them the moment they leave. It’s wanting to be the reason that they wake up happy in the morning and the reason they go to bed happy at night.”

Jihoon is staring at him with wide eyes as he continues. “But love is also horrible, in the way that love can hurt in so many ways. When you care for someone so much that you’d do anything for them… even the thought of losing them hurts more than anything in the world.”

As Jeonghan finishes talking, he looks back up at Jihoon. Jihoon looks at him with an indescribable look on his face, and there’s a bittersweet look in his eyes. Before he got a chance to ask him about it though, Jihoon’s lips form a smile.

“That’s an interesting perspective on it,” Jihoon says and he chuckles. Jeonghan feels like he’s just heard angels. “Most people would say that love is the best feeling in the world.”

“Yeah, but it is, at times.” Jeonghan explains. “But I think it’s bittersweet. Everything isn’t black or white, that’s not how it works.”

“Hm,” Jihoon says, and his smile is almost teasing. How long has it been since Jeonghan last saw this smile? “You seem smarter than you look.”

“Hey, I’m actually very smart, I thought you knew that!” Jeonghan defended himself, but he can still feel the laughter bubble up in his throat.

“Haha, I do, I’m just pulling your leg,” Jihoon explains, and his eyes turn into crescents when he smiles ( _Jeonghan has missed this sight so much_ ). “Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I don’t know if it helped me, but it was interesting.”

“Haha, you’re welcome,” Jeonghan says and sends a wide grin back to Jihoon. They fall in a silence again, but for the first time, it’s comfortable – they sit there, just taking the sight of each other in.

Jeonghan notices that Jihoon looks truly happy, for the first time since he met him in the café for the first time. It’s something about the atmosphere around him that gives him away – it’s light and bright. It reminds him an awful lot of the Jihoon he used to know three years ago.

Soon enough though, Jun’s voice interrupts their comfortable silence, just as before telling Jeonghan that his break is over, and he needs to take over the cash register because Mingyu is a flustered mess again ( _Jeonghan pretends not to know the reason, despite overhearing Jun teasing the younger about his crush more times than he could count)._

“Be sure to show me how the song comes out later, okay?” Jeonghan says as he stands up to leave, ready to go and save Mingyu from their Chinese co-worker. The smile on his lips turn smug. “I did help you out after all.”

“You didn’t really,” Jihoon teases, but he has a genuinely happy smile on his face. “But I will.”

When Jeonghan walks past Mingyu - that mumbles something about taking his break, hiding his flushed face in his hands - to stand behind the cash register, he sends one last glance at Jihoon.

The sun is shining on him through, making it look like he was glowing. A smile is still plastered on his lips, as he’s busy writing something in the notebook of his.

It was one of the most beautiful sights he had ever seen.

 

* * * * * * 

Are you sure you want to unblock Lee Jihoon?

**Confirm**

* * * * * *

 

The days keep on going by, and early spring turns into the heat of the summer, the sun gazing down on the streets.

Jeonghan and Jihoon had almost gone back to where they were before all of this; Jeonghan found his phone vibrating to a new message almost daily now, and their conversations ranged from deeper topics (“ _If you could do anything, what would you do?”)_ to mundane things (“ _I had a nice day at work today”)_ , and they found themselves hanging out at least once every week now.

Jihoon still hadn’t asked him about the events three years ago, and Jeonghan was still too afraid to ask him himself.

He didn’t want to bring it up, because they had gotten so far, and he doesn’t dare fuck it up again – he was quite sure that he wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt if he were to lose Jihoon on more time. But even if he’s learned to hide the guilt he feels from Jihoon’s prying eyes, it’s still eating him up from the inside, constantly reminding him of the truth ( _telling him that Jihoon deserves better than this, better than Jeonghan could ever dream to be, that Jeonghan doesn’t deserve Jihoon, because he fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, because he fucked everything up)._

Despite the thoughts that keeps repeating in his head, he still meets up with Jihoon when he asks him to. Today, Jihoon wants to meet him in the park once more. He had mentioned something about the weather being perfect for ice cream, and he wanted someone to keep him company.

_(How could Jeonghan ever say no? He loved being with Jihoon._

_Loved it more than he should)._

The moment they meet up, they decide to sit down under the shade of a large tree that’s in the middle of the park. The summer sun has now bought the warmth with it, and it’s so hot that it feels like Jeonghan’s going to melt if he stays under the sun for too long.

Jihoon just drops off his things next to Jeonghan (a backpack and his notebook), before he runs off towards the ice-cream shop on the other side of the road, giving Jeonghan a thumb up as he leaves.

Jeonghan watches Jihoon make his way over to the shop, until he’s out of sight. He blinks, before resting his head against the bark of the tree, closing his eyes.

His mind starts running, like it usually did when he was all alone. A part of him wanted to forget about everything that had happen with Jihoon and start fresh. But he knew that wouldn’t be fair for either of them.

But he doesn’t want anything more than to tell Jihoon how he feels about him and how sorry he is for their past. He doesn’t want anything more than to pull him close and kiss him on the lips, and to hold him close as he does so. He doesn’t want anything more than to just sit closely together, sharing the same space and knowing that they had each other by their side. He didn’t want anything more than-

_(Stop thinking about it. Let this thought go.)_

So Jeonghan does.

When he opens his eyes again, he catches the figure of his crush walking towards him, holding two ice-cream cones in his hands. A small smile is on his face, and Jeonghan can tell, even from afar, that he has a warm aura around him.

Jihoon looks truly happy. The sun that’s too hot for Jeonghan’s liking is shining down onto him, creating a wonderful glow.

Jeonghan feels like his going to burst from the love that’s filling up his chest.

“Here,” Jihoon says as he comes to a stop next to Jeonghan under the tree, and hands him the cone filled with pink ice-cream.

“Strawberry! My favorite,” Jeonghan exclaims before he could help it, and he sees Jihoon’s face light up. The younger of the two laughs.

“You’re like a child,” Jihoon says between laughter, and Jeonghan was honest when he said he could stare at the beautiful sight that was Jihoon forever.

The spot next to Jeonghan under the tree is soon occupied, as Jihoon sits down and rests his back against the tree. Jeonghan sends him a glance, and he immediately fills himself starting to worry.

“You look really tired,” Jeonghan says, and he feels stupid for not seeing it earlier. Jihoon just sighs and takes a bite of his vanilla ice-cream.

“Work has been busy lately, that’s all,” he replies, and Jeonghan doesn’t like the way he dismisses it. Before he could protest though, Jihoon changed the subject. “Do you still want to hear the song I wrote back then?”

Jeonghan blinks. Once. Twice. “Back at the café?”

“Yeah.”

“Is it completed?”

“Not yet,” Jihoon says, as he takes another bite from the frozen goodness. “But soon. I just need to record it.”

“You’re not giving the song away?” Jeonghan asks. Although he doesn’t know how Jihoon’s work tasks that well, he had imagined that he wrote songs for other artists.

“Not this time,” Jihoon answers, biting down on the waffle cone. “I would usually, but this is a song that’s important to me. It might sound selfish, but I want to keep it for myself.”

“Now I’m even more intrigued,” Jeonghan takes another bite of his strawberry ice-cream before continuing. “What is the song about?”

He can’t tell why, but Jihoon looks at him in a way that he can’t describe. It looks somewhat sad and nervous – almost as if he’s hesitating, and it feels like Jihoon’s trying to pry into the deepest corners of his mind. They stare into each other’s eyes for a few more seconds, before Jihoon takes his gaze away.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” was all he said as he stared off into the park. The wind was blowing through his black hair, and he looked almost peaceful.

Jeonghan just mumbled an “okay”, not knowing how to tackle the situation. They sit comfortable in silence, and Jihoon soon finishes the last part of his ice cream. He leans his head back against the tree and closes his eyes.

Neither of them says a word, just enjoying the nice weather and the cool wind. It was relaxing too, to just sit here and enjoy the moment.

Soon enough, Jeonghan finished his ice-cream as well. He turned his attention towards the park as well, and it was when he was watching an entertainer play guitar further away in the park that he felt a sudden weight on his shoulder.

He had an idea of what the sudden weight could be, but he wanted to make sure that he wasn’t dreaming.

And he wasn’t. It was just as he thought;

Lee Jihoon had fallen asleep and was resting his head upon Jeonghan’s shoulder.

Jeonghan feels himself tense up, because  _oh my god, what am I supposed to do? Wake him up? Let him be?_

He decides upon the latter, because Jihoon did look exhausted earlier.

At first Jeonghan just sits still, and he can’t help but think that he must look a bit like a statue right now. It feels like he’s even too scared to breath, in fear of waking the sleepy man up.

Despite sitting as still as he could, Jihoon’s head is slipping down his shoulder, and the way he’s sleeping can’t be comfortable at all for his neck. Ignoring his burning cheeks and the butterflies in his stomach, Jeonghan puts his arm around Jihoon, so that he can keep him steady.

He feels his skin tingle where it touches Jihoon’s soft skin, and he carefully pulls him closer. The warmth that’s radiating from Jihoon’s body is comforting, and Jeonghan can feel how it’s lulling him to sleep.

Jeonghan bites the inside of his cheek once, to make sure that he isn’t dreaming. He’s happy to find that he isn’t.

And as his eyes close to fall into a light sleep, he smiles.

_(Is it wrong of me, to want to stop time in this very moment?)_

 

* * * * * *

_Lee Jihoon has accepted your friend request. You can now send messages to each other._

* * * * * *

Jeonghan’s about to drop his phone on the ground when his eyes catch the notification that’s blinking on his phone.

_You have a missed video-call from Lee Jihoon._

He reads it once more just to make sure that he read it correctly, and yes, it does in fact say video-call.

As he clicks on the notification and presses the call button to call Jihoon up, he feels faint.

(B _ecause the last time they had a video-call was three springs ago, and Jeonghan had been so in love that he never wanted to hang up.)_

Suddenly, Jihoon’s face pops up on his screen, and Jeonghan wants to cry.

Despite his phone being of a new model, the pixels still don’t do justice to his true beauty.

“Hey,” Jihoon said, as he looked down at his phone.

“Hi,” Jeonghan answers back, and he feels stupid for feeling nervous. “You called?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon answers from the other side of the line, and dear  _god_ , he’s almost  _pouting_. “I’m bored, entertain me.”

“Aren’t you at work?” Jeonghan asks instead, as he knows that Jihoon is usually working this time of the day.

“Yeah, but I’m on my break,” Jihoon replies as if it was the most obvious and plain thing in the world. He puts his chin down on the table. “What are you doing?”

“Video-calling you,” Jeonghan says in a teasing tone.

“I meant except for that, dummy,” Jihoon says jokingly, and for some reason Jeonghan feels Deja-vu.

He can’t pinpoint the exact reason why though.

“Sleeping.”

“Typical,” Jihoon fires back, and Jeonghan feigns being hurt. Jihoon just laughs at him.

“Damn it, I miss hanging with you,” Jihoon says, and Jeonghan feels love fill up his chest.

Jihoon was so cute.

“I miss hanging with you too,” Jeonghan says, and he means it. He sees Jihoon light up at his words. “We should definitely hang out sometime soon, it’s been like three days now.”

“Four, but you were close,” Jihoon teases, and Jeonghan wishes that he could throw his arms around him and hold him close. “And we should, do you have time on T-“

“Jihoonie, your break is over,” a male voice calls from somewhere in the background, successfully interrupting Jihoon. “Stop being all lovely-dovely with your boyfriend and let’s get back to work.”

Jeonghan’s heart skipped a beat. His boyfriend?

_(I wish.)_

“He’s not-, “Jihoon says, but his colleague doesn’t seem to listen as the sound of a door opening and closing can be heard through the speakers of Jeonghan’s phone. Something about Jihoon has changed, and he looked really flustered.

Jeonghan could’ve sworn that the young songwriter’s cheeks were pink.

“I got to go,” Jihoon says, and he fumbles with his phone until the front camera points up to the grey ceiling of the building. “Bye.”

“Bye,” Jeonghan says, but he’s unsure about whether Jihoon heard him, as the call ends the moments the words leave his lips.

He stared down at the phone in his hands and blinked, before he let out a sigh. Jihoon wasn’t one for rushed endings like this.

They didn’t even finish deciding on when they would hang out.

Jeonghan supposes work must have been urgent and figures that he could just text Jihoon later. So he leaves his phone on the table in front of him and goes to the kitchen to grab some lunch.

 

* * * * * *

Lee Jihoon has now approved your follow request. You can now view their posts! 

* * * * * *

 

One evening, he gets a text from Jihoon.

**From: Jihoon**

10:21 PM

Come to the playground in the center of town.

 It’s less like a question and more like a statement than anything. And Jeonghan chuckles as he puts on his jacket and close the door behind him.

_Typical Jihoon._

Jihoon is the only person in the park when Jeonghan arrives, which isn’t surprising at all, considering the time. Jihoon is sitting down on one of the swings at the playground, the swing moving slightly back and forth, as Jihoon rocks his heels on the sand.

“The song I wrote is done,” Jihoon explains as Jeonghan sits down on the swing next to him. “Do you want to hear it?”

“Can I?” Jeonghan asks, feeling the curiosity build up within him.

“Of course, that’s why I asked you out here in the first place,” Jihoon says, a matter-of-factly, as he presses play on his phone’s music player.

Jeonghan listens intently. As the song starts, the music fades in slowly. The melody is bittersweet, and the song starts off with a rap part.

The more he listens, the more his heart drops. The lyrics are beautiful, but sad, and Jihoon’s voice is soft and full of emotion as he sings – just as he remembered it from the songs he had gotten to hear in the past.

“Tears are falling, unknown tears are falling, am I longing for the past? I don’t know, I don’t know”.

The lyrics hit Jeonghan’s heart like a ton of bricks; because towards the final chorus, he finally understands: Jihoon wrote about them  _(it’s the lyrics that explains it all; sentences like “we’re wandering in the same place again, everything seems so unfamiliar” along with “I know you wanna hear me say something, but my emotions are going wary” is enough to convince him)._

Jeonghan wants to cry. His chest feels tight.

Jihoon’s voice is beautiful when he sings, and Jeonghan finds himself both relieved and disappointed when the song ends. Even though the playground is in the middle of the town center, and the sound of a group of drunk men and cars driving by is loud, it feels like the world around them has gone quiet.

Jihoon starts to push his feet against the ground, making his swing gain speed, and soon enough he’s swinging back and forth.

Neither of them says a word for a while. Jeonghan is staring down onto the sand beneath his feet while Jihoon is swinging away on the swing.

“It’s about you and me, isn’t it?” Jeonghan gathers the courage to say, his voice shaky.

“It is,” Jihoon says, as he swings past on the swing, not meeting Jeonghan’s eyes.

“Why are you doing this?” Jeonghan asks, the question he’s been wanting to ask since the day at the café finally slipping through his lips. “Why are you acting like nothing ever happened?”

Jeonghan doesn’t mean to sound angry, but somehow, he can’t help it. He’s tired of not knowing what Jihoon wants with him; they had gotten so close recently, far closer than they had ever been before all of this, but not a word has been spoken about three years ago.

He’s tired of feeling fine, when he knows he shouldn’t. When he knows he doesn’t deserve to be happy thanks to Jihoon.

“I’m not the only one acting like everything’s fine,” Jihoon spits out, and he kicks the ground underneath him harder than before the next time his swing nears the sand. He gets more speed and the swing goes higher, before it falls backwards down again.

“I know, but what am I supposed to say when I don’t know how you feel?” Jeonghan raises his voice slightly, the frustration finally taking a toll on him. “Why can’t you just be honest with me?”

“Do you really want me to be honest with you, Jeonghan?” Jihoon asks suddenly, as his legs hit the sand underneath him, effortlessly making the swing stop. His voice is harder than Jeonghan has ever heard it, and before he even gets to reply Jihoon continues.

“Fine. I hated you when you left me like that. I hated you, because you left me without thinking twice. Out of nowhere, without a word.” Jihoon begins, and his words feel like a slap against Jeonghan’s heart. “It was like I meant nothing to you, even though you meant a lot to me. It hurt a real fucking lot and I made a promise to myself to slap your dumb face next time I saw you. I tried to let you go as you had with me, but I found myself thinking about you more than I wanted to. I thought about stupid stuff, like how much I missed you or how nice you looked when you smiled. It was annoying, since I wanted nothing more than to stop thinking about you.”

Jeonghan was watching him slowly, not saying a word. The words were spilling out from Jihoon’s lips now.

“When I saw that you blocked me I really couldn’t believe it, because we just talked some hours before? I was going to write to you on the morning we were supposed to meet, about how excited I was to finally see you, but I couldn’t. Do you know how panicked I was? Seeing the text that told me that I couldn’t send messages to you? I thought that Facebook was just fucked up, but then I went to twitter, and it was the same there. And Instagram. And snapchat. By then I did realize that you had blocked me, but I was still in denial, because we were supposed to meet later, weren’t we? You had told me only twelve hours earlier that you were excited to meet me. You couldn’t have started to hate me during that short amount of time, could you? Anyone else would’ve stayed home. But I went there, because I wanted to meet you so badly. You were one of the few people that could understand me and enjoyed talking with me, and I waited for three hours for you before I gave up and went home.”

Jihoon’s crying now, the tears falling down his cheeks. He doesn’t even put in an effort in wiping them away; instead, he lets them fall upon his jeans.

“It took me two whole years for me to let this go, to let the thought of you go. For two years, I thought about you every day. I was angry at you for two years before I learned to stop. Because I thought of you so much, because I spent every day being angry at you, my boyfriend got tired off me and left. I can understand him, because who would want to be with someone that’s angry all the time? Angry and sad, for two years, because some dude I met on the internet left me. I don’t blame him for leaving, in fact, I would’ve done the same. But I was so content with myself then, content when I finally managed to let you go.” Jihoon sobs loudly and takes a deep breath. “And then I walk into that damn coffee shop 5 months ago. Because my boss recommended it, said it was the best place around. So, I went there, only to find you as the barista. And then everything came rushing back to me; how much you meant to me and how much I missed you. All these damn feelings that I had worked so hard to repress bubbled to the surface again, because of a  _damn_  coffee!”

Jihoon’s laughing, and it’s a weird scene, since his laughter is void of any happiness and the tears that keep spilling from his eyes.

“At first, I wanted to talk with you only out of curiosity; how had your life gone after you suddenly stopped caring about mine? But I soon found myself wanting to hang out with you, just because it was  _you_ , and I found myself missing those good times when we were inseparable. So, I continued to hang out with you, because you still made me as happy as you did back then.” Jihoon takes a deep breath. “But I also felt much more than I did three years ago; I wanted to be as close to you as possible now, and I truly wanted to be the reason that you smiled. And when I asked you about what you thought about love that one day at the café, it hit me; I was in love with you.”

Jeonghan’s jaw dropped as he heard what Jihoon said, his heart skipping a beat. What’s happening?

“Because everything I felt fit with your definition of love; I couldn’t stop thinking about your beautiful smile and your nice voice and how I never get tired of talking with you and how you are still the person I enjoyed spending time with all those years ago. I like being next to you, it feels like home. It’s so weird; how can I person feel like a home? Why do I understand what I mean when I say that? I feel safe around you, and I never want you to leave. I want to be around you more than anything.”

Jihoon finally fell quiet and Jeonghan just stared at him, speechless. What was he supposed to say towards this?

“I know you’re in love with me too,” Jihoon says suddenly, as he wipes away the tears that are still staining his cheeks.

“I am,” Jeonghan says, and it feels so freeing, to  _finally_  say it out loud. It’s like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, a weight that have been weighing him down ever since he ran back home from school to skype with him, ever since he knew what these feelings he felt meant.

_I’m in love with Jihoon. I’m in love with Jihoon!_

_And he’s in love with me._

( _But he deserves better. I’m not good enough for him.)_

“But you deserve better than me. Because I left you without a word. I cut you off because of my own selfish feelings. I was already in love with you back then.” Jeonghan begins, and Jihoon looks up quickly; this time it was his jaw that fell opened. This wasn’t the explanation he had expected. “I left because it hurt, when I found out that you already had someone. And I know it was the most awful reason why, but it’s the truth. I had been crushing on you for a while, and I felt like such a jerk when I found out that you had a boyfriend; because I had been crushing on someone that was already taken. I was a horrible friend, and even more so when I cut you off. Which I did because I thought it would help these feelings for you disappear.”

“But they didn’t,” Jihoon chimes in, his voice quiet.

“They didn’t.” Jeonghan confirms. “I never expected to meet you again, so I was more than surprised when I saw you in line at the café. I didn’t know how to react, since I did what I did. I was too much of a coward to bring the subject up either, even to this day. But all this time, I’ve been wanting to say that I’m sorry. I truly am. I’m so sorry, Jihoon.”

“I know,” Jihoon said simply.

“And I love you.” Jeonghan admitted, and it was all it took for him to become a crying mess as well, as the tears ran down his cheeks. “I always have. But you deserve so much better than me”.

“That’s not up for you to decide,” Jihoon says suddenly, and he stands up from his swing to stand in front of Jeonghan.

“But I hurt you.”

“Yes, you did,” Jihoon agrees. “You broke my heart into a million pieces. But that was three years ago. We found our way back to each other. That must mean something.” Jihoon takes Jeonghan’s hands in his, and Jihoon’s hands are as soft as Jeonghan always imagined they would be. “We are back here now, back together, and I’m willing to try to fix this.”

“Me too,” Jeonghan says, his voice slightly hoarse from crying.

“Then should we give this a try? No more lies, no more keeping feelings from each other.” Jihoon smiles, and Jeonghan can see the whole universe in his eyes. “I want to be with you, Jeonghan. So bad. What do you say?”

Jeonghan answers with pulling Jihoon close and wrapping his arms around his frame, as he sobs into his neck. Jihoon, caught by surprise from the sudden embrace, soon relaxes in his hold, and leans into his touch.

“Jeonghan,” Jihoon whispers, as he cuddles closer to the Jeonghan. The latter feels like he’s soaring. “I love you.”

_(And all Jeonghan can think about is how much he loves Jihoon. How happy he is that he’s in his arms, and that he seems to feel the same way about him after all._

_Finally, things start to fall into place.)_

“I love you too.”

* * * * * *

Yoon Jeonghan is in a relationship with Lee Jihoon

**Today**

**192 likes this**

**Joshua Hong:** Congratulations! So happy for you!

**Kim Mingyu:** Ey isn’t that the dude from the café? Anyway, congrats!

**Choi Seungcheol:** Congrats dude! You gotta tell me everything!

**Wen Junhui:** “Just an old friend” my ass. Anyway, congrats, happy for you! But no face-sucking at work pls and thank you

**Lee Seokmin:** About time! Happy for you!

 

**Author's Note:**

> once again thank you to shira for sharing the au with me!! i loved it and this was so fun to write!
> 
> did you guys recognize the song i used towards the end of the fic? it's my favorite svt song ~   
> too bad it's so underrated though...
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed my longest one-shot to date by far!!   
> and remembers kids, some jeonghoon is good for the soul ~


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